When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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