thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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