We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
