Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
God, I missed his penis.
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