I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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