This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
