just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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