Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
