Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
