My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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