Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
