I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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