i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
