i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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