Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
