Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you traded sex for a burrito?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
