just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
