so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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