i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
