3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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