Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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