I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
