Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
