he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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