I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
