And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They took my balls.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
