We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Even my vagina gasped.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
