this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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