I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
3 2 1 whiskey
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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