some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And then my night got REAL pukey
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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