while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
