I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
