So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
