Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
