the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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