his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
