Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
