A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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