That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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