I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
