never play flip cup with pint glasses
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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