He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found the puke drawer
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
