I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
