I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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