I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
