fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
