Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
