I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
