my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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