Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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