I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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