Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
