she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
