Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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