and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
