Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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