So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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