Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
