if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
