How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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