I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
