Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
