So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
